frustrated.

today.. was a very frustrating day for me. it was one of those days where you just want to cry endlessly, or leave everything behind and disappear for one day to have some time for yourself. as i was folding the laundry i really tried to fight back the tears from rolling down my eyes because i couldn't help but to feel so annoyed at the never ending chores. then it hit me again - "wow. this is my life now.. taking care of my family, chores after chores.. when will i ever have time for myself?" i'm pretty sure at the moment i was over exaggerating due to my feelings but regardless, i was exhausted.

i finally finished folding my laundry and had to put james to bed. as i was putting him to bed, he was babbling.. probably talking to me about his day and what not but honestly, i was so tired i wanted to fall asleep with him but i couldn't - i just had so many things to do. i came out after putting him down, and ate a late dinner with my husband while watching the last half of "olympus has fallen". as we were watching, james woke up crying so i had to go soothe him.. sigh.. still.. exhausted. finally i decided to work on some stuff on the internet, and james woke up again. this time, i decided to let him be but he cried for a couple of minutes so i eventually gave in and decided to go in. as soon as i went in james stopped crying and went right back to sleep. right before i left i decided to check his diaper and it was full, so i turned on the night light. as the light grew brighter i saw my baby sleeping so peacefully.

is that all he wanted? did he just need to feel secure? was he scared in the dark? maybe that's why he cried for me. all of my feelings went away in almost a split second. as i was watching him sleep i still couldn't that he was mine. my baby. there are so many times when i look at him and it just seems like a dream. his eyes.. his nose, his cheeks and his beautiful lips. how can they all be so precious? wait.. am i really a mother?

when i was pregnant with james i was honestly scared. scared because i knew that being a mother comes with multiple responsibilities. and i know that in the back of my head, i will still be scared no matter how old he is. but i realized that everything that i do, everything that i work for.. it's all for him, and since he is my responsibility and i need to make sure that he is in good hands, and in order for me to do that i have to be strong. like i said in my previous posts, being a mother is probably the hardest job on this world.. but i wouldn't change it for the world.

my pride and joy... my little james. mommy loves you so much.